Are You There God? It's Me, Hormonal Hannah.

"Offer It Up"

                

As part of my Catholic upbringing, I was often told by the nuns to Offer It Up.  For those who are not familiar with this term; it means to offer your suffering as a sacrifice for something better. This can be done with small annoyances or large issues.  

To better understand this term, here's an example from my childhood: 


A new school year means blisters on top of blisters from new saddle shoes. Within the first two weeks of school, I had extremely painful blisters with blood soaked socks and shoes. When I discovered a puddle of blood under my desk. I approached Sister Anne to ask for a few Band-Aids. This was not an outrageous request from a student whose black and white saddle shoes where now black and red.  Sister looked down at my feet, then back up at me, and said, "Our Lord sacrificed His life so you could have eternal life. You stand in front of my desk to complain about blisters from new shoes?!? Missy, do you think Jesus asked for Band-Aids when He was on the cross? Have you ever seen an image of Jesus covered in Band-Aids? I don't think so! Hurry along...go back to your seat and OFFER IT UP! I was not about to debate her on when Band-Aids were invented or I would have been sent to the fire escape to clap erasers. So, I crawled back to my puddle of blood and offered it up. Well, I'm happy to report, after 100 offerings, two doctor visits, and a round of antibiotics for an infection...the parable about the man who had no feet did not apply to me. 


Now that you have an understanding of the offer it up theory...let's get back on track with Hormonal Hannah. She lives in all of us. She has been known to wreak havoc on our bodies before we can invest in a good underwire bra with padded shoulder straps. She is at the wheel, controlling our emotions (good or bad), as well as our internal temperature gauges (BTW, mine is always overheating). We cannot avoid meeting Hormonal Hannah. She pops up when we least expect her. So, how do we get her under control? 


Well, I have an idea...it came to me during a sleepless night. What else would I be doing at 2AM? Watching infomercials? Sending tweets to celebrities that will go unanswered? Pinning my Christmas wish list to a board that nobody cares about but ME? Blocking everyone on Facebook? Painting the cat's nails? Alphabetizing my neighbor's recipe cards? Watching the sky for UFO's? You know the drill. 


So, here's my idea: what if we could turn Hormonal Hannah into a positive experience?  What if we applied the offer it up theory to menopause? It just might work. Therefore, I decided to "offer up" my insomnia to compile a list of offerings for those who suffer from menopause, and for those who will venture down this path soon enough.  

"Offer It Up" 

1) Offer up your night sweats and be thankful for the well stocked garage full of ShamWows.


2) Offer up hot flashes with the knowledge that there's a young mother trying to control a two year old, in the midst of a temper tantrum.


3) Offer up irregular periods and appreciate the person who invented duct tape. It's the quick fix for those unexpected leaky pipes. Measure. Cut. Afix. GO!


4) Offer up vaginal dryness. Boost the economy, buy WD-40 Spray Lubricant, 16-oz. Aerosol !  


5) Offer up fatigue and welcome the opportunity to use "Act of God" on your insurance claim--falling asleep while cooking is beyond your control. 


6) Offer up your weight gain. It's time to accept those extra 20 pounds. It's time to stop blaming that ONE cookie for your size 8 ass not fitting into your size 2 jeans.   


7) Offer up heavy bleeding and thank your third grade science teacher, "If it bleeds, it feeds."  This justifies at least three trips to the "all you can eat" buffet line. 


8) Offer up mood swings and thank a lawyer.  You'll deny your actions, and he'll swear to it. 


9) Offer up hair loss as a way of going "green".  Less chemicals will be used to dye your hair.


10) Offer up incontinence--you know when to deliver the punch line to a joke--within 5 steps of a bathroom. 


11) Offer up memory loss since 50 is the new 40, or maybe it is the new 30?!?   


12) Offer up dizziness and alert your doctor that you finally took his advice and started a new exercise regimen--a midlife spin class.


13) Offer up loss of libido, but welcome the chance to become a platinum card member of the Romance Novel Club.


14) Offer up insomnia--you now have documented proof that "a WATCHED pot does boil." 


15) Offer up headaches with a sigh of relief.  Those Saturday night "white lie" headaches are REAL! 


Thanks for reading my "offer it up"  Hormonal Hannah List!  


I would love to hear what you have to "offer up"...